Twenty years ago, I went through a difficult, extended period in my personal life. Things were bleak. Hope seemed to be a thing lost to me… hiding in a dark corner of my heart, veiled by anguish and despair. I spent hours locked away in my studio, painting enormous pieces, unable to use colour, finding my expression only in black, white and grey.
I waited for colour to return to my heart, I waited for Grace to find me.
There are times in life when we find that the regular structures that normally hold us together seem to have developed giant cracks. The kind of cracks that precede the complete shattering of the vessel. I was going through one of those times.
But thankfully, the vessel didn’t shatter. I didn’t break.
As the Leonard Cohen song goes,
“There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in”
And, yes, eventually … light got in.
That was two decades ago. The thing is, we expect all the messy, hard stuff to somehow reach a point when they are ‘over’ and we can get on with the real task of living, and yet for some of us, the messy, hard stuff happens with alarming regularity, and we realise: This IS the real task of living.
***
You may have noticed that I have been rather absent from your inbox in the past few months. If you haven’t noticed (given how noisy and crowded inboxes can become), let me explain my silence anyway: I have been on an extended break from teaching and writing, as my world has been about caregiving and supporting a loved one who has been engaged in a battle for their life.
This role is not new to me; I have been here before: same-same but different, having nursed my late husband Greg through four years of chemotherapy and multiple surgeries. Shortly after he died, I helped support my beautiful mother in the last months of her life, sharing this task with my sisters and their children.
But this time around, care-giving has been harder: The stakes have been higher. The uncertainty is a million-fold greater.
Let me say at the outset that cheerful optimism is not my default trait. Instead, I have long been attracted to the ancient Stoic philosophy of premeditatio malorum, where one calmly visualises potential misfortunes and hardships in advance. It is said that this “helps build mental fortitude, resilience, and emotional preparedness, allowing one to face adversity with reason and calm rather than panic.” Negative visualisation is another way of describing it. In facing adversity, I ask myself what the absolute worst-case scenario is that I fear, I stare it down, then give it a metaphorical kick-in-the-balls. In doing so, I give myself the space to truly embody the belief – I will survive this, no matter what.
For most of 2025, premeditatio malorum didn’t work so well. Instead, I found myself realising, without a shred of doubt, that this time around, the worst-case scenario was something I would not survive.
So what’s left? Cheerful optimism? Nah.
Optimism annoys me. I never understood why until I read
Jamil Zaki’s book, where he makes a distinction between Optimism and Hope.
“Optimism is the idea that things will turn out well. Hope is the idea that it could turn out well. I know that sounds like a minor distinction, but I think it’s huge… Hope is an attempt to see that the future is unknown. Optimism, despair, and hopelessness all make us feel like the future is inevitable and, therefore, our actions don’t matter. Hope can lead us to feel empowered. So, that’s what I’m reaching for right now: to remember our uncertainty, and that in that uncertainty lies possibility and agency.”
***
Humans can survive the most horrible adversity. As a species, we have done what seems impossible, we have recovered from the unthinkable. When I ask myself, What do these humans have in common, I come up with four things:
They have all felt at some point in their journey that they could not go on.
They all felt alone and isolated in their suffering.
They ONLY got through it all with help from others.
Every single one of them did it ONE STEP at a time.
Surviving adversity is one of the most defining things about being human. To survive my Year of Very Ginormous Challenge, often when I felt I could not, I reached out to others for help, for accompaniment, for prayers, for companionship. I made art, I walked and I journaled. In the darkest of hours, often through tears, I counted my blessings even when they were mere glimmers.
Perhaps you, too, have faced, or continue to face, extreme uncertainty that has rocked your world. If so, perhaps together, we can take comfort in Hope… that when things are uncertain, and the future is veiled, things could indeed turn out well. We might discover that we can keep going, long after we believed that we simply could not.
But only one step at a time.
If you are wondering…
When am I going to resume teaching my in-person art workshops in Perth, Western Australia?
The short answer is I don’t know. I am a full-time carer at the moment, and I don’t know when that situation will change. I do know it will change, and that I will resume teaching in the future. I look forward to meeting you then (or seeing you again). When classes open for enrolment, I will announce them here, so stay tuned.
What about redeeming Gift Certificates?
If you have a Gift Certificate, please contact me on malini.parker@gmail.com to discuss our options.
Was it difficult to make art during this period of challenge?
Yes and no. During the very worst of times it wasn’t possible, but I have found pockets of time, often when I am most exhausted and can only paint from a lying down position. And still, the creative process has been like a balm.
Here is a sample of some recent work, entitled ‘No Mud, No Lotus’ after Thich Nhat Hanh’s book. It is dedicated to the brave and beautiful person I have been supporting, who has endured more suffering than anyone I know, and yet, continues to show up, day after day, through the mud and the pain … Like a lotus.
Thank you for reading ‘Where The Light Gets In’. If you’d like to share your thoughts or experiences, or just say hi, please do below. I love hearing from you.
www.maliniparker.com
Comments 39
Malini, i find your post to be profoundly enlightening & for me, shines a light on the path we all tred as we try to navigate the journey in the human condition upon this earth. Deepest thanks for taking the time to reflect & share your insights as you too navigate a path which seems to be littered with rocks, branches, brambles, holes & goodness knows what else.
Thank you
Author
I really appreciate your words, Yvonne. And I really can relate to the ‘rocks, branches, brambles and holes’ 🙂 Thank you for reading.xx
So much strength you both have. Thank you for always sharing so much wisdom through adversity. No Mud, No Lotus.
Author
There have been many tears through this adversity, and a great and heartfelt appreciation for those who have offered their loving support, such as yourself, dearest Carmel. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Malini
This is a beautiful piece of writing straight from your soul,yes Momentum Mori has a place in our lives but I prefer to look for the light to shine into us to create a glow that illuminates.Remember to put your oxygen first.
Your painting is beautiful keep expressing yourself in colour as well as words.
.
Author
Thank you so much Bob! Painting has been a solace, so I appreciate your words.
Dear Malini, wishing you the strength to continue being the marvelous woman you are for yourself and others fortunate to have you close. All the best. Fran.
Author
Dear Fran, you are so kind to say that. Very few people have had me close of late, because as rewarding as it is, care-giving is an intense and all-consuming task. I am glad to be able to offer it though, and I appreciate your support and sweet words.
Dear Malani.
I have never taken your courses. I’ve only read your posts. You are so generous, genuine and authentic. My hope is the next year brings peace and contentment for you and your loved ones.
Author
I am very honoured that you read my posts, when the world is so full of noise and words. Thank you Helen, and I’m so grateful that you took the time to reach out and let me know, it means so much to me. I hope that 2026 is kind to you and yours. Much love x
Dear Malini, thank you for your beautiful heartfelt message. It is always so good to hear from you though I’ve very sorry to hear you have someone close so unwell. Please know I am sending you both well wishes, much love and big hugs. And I really hope I am lucky enough to one day attend one of your classes. Your artwork is truly amazing and shows your beautiful soul. Take care. Stay well.
Author
Hello Lynda, thank you for your kind and loving words, they mean a lot to me. I too hope that we will share a creative adventure together one day, in person. In the meantime, I appreciate you reaching out here, and for spending the time with me as I share my stories. Take care, Lynda, I look forward to meeting you before long. x
Wow Mal! You’ve honed in right to the core of the matter and laid it bare for all of us to understand just a little deeper. Go, sister! Sending so much love and light your way.
Author
Thank you so much for your support during the past year, your prayers and love and food have made all the difference!
Hello Malini,
Your love and care of the individual you are currently a caregiver to shines so brightly.
Your understanding of the depth you must go to bring this caregiving in the way you want…made me cry from the honesty and reality.
I am grateful you are bringing color into your world. I am so glad you are painting. You need this for yourself.
And others need to see this in you.
My heart just wants to wrap you up in safety and in prayer.
Thank you for your dedication to caregiving.
Much love from Tucson, Arizona.
Cynthia
Author
Thank you Cynthia, I appreciate your beautiful, loving words, they mean so much. And you are so right about painting… it has been a solace and a balm. As has walking by the river, coffee, and the love and support of kind souls 🙂 Your prayers are gratefully received. Much love to you from Perth, Western Australia!
Hi Mal, I am sorry to hear you have been experiencing a difficult time. As I write this on Monday 13th January, I acknowledge it is the anniversary of when my partner had to make the decision to end life support for his terminally ill (first) wife. Heartbreaking circumstance every day but especially on the eve of your birthday. You see tomorrow is his birthday, it is also his younger brothers birthday and as synchronicity would have it, it is the eighth anniversary of the passing of my own beloved father. Furthermore, tomorrow, on his birthday, he has been asked to officiate a funeral of a dear friend of over thirty years lost in a fatal motor vehicle accident just before Christmas. I wish this story was fiction but sadly not. As I reflect upon all of these events . . .the births, the deaths, the memories, the grief and the celebrations, I am reminded that these things are happening around us every single minute of every single day. For example the story of a fatal road crash days before Christmas is not new we hear them every single year only its someone else’s story, its someone else’s defining moment but someone else is also someone’s son, daughter, mother, father, sister, colleague or friend. When it happens to us, we become the “someone” that somebody knows. It becomes OUR story and stories are as you said . . . . the business of life. As I have gotten older, I have come to accept that all of life is beauty and wonder even the shit bits because that is the business of life . . . there is no way around it and “it” is the miracle of us being here to experience it all.
I don’t have any words of wisdom to ease the pain of supporting someone through the fight of their life but I may need some one day as we live in the shadow of my partners cancer.
I hope you find some grace in during this time and that your story is indeed one you won’t be forced to have to survive. Much love to you and your family Cuz.
Author
Oh my Lordy Lord. That is hard, cuz. That is hard stuff. Thank you for sharing. SO much loss and pain, and through it all you have continued to make art that is out of this world, and you took the time to read my post, and to write such a heartfelt response, thank you.
I hope, I really do hope, we get to meet in person one day. To be related to someone you have only met over the interwebs, and have so much in common, yet never having sat down to a meal, enjoyed a warm beverage and a loving hug… is weird… but it IS a gift to know you.
Malini such insight through the intensity.
Go gently.
Author
Thank you Irene, that is so kind of you.xx
Malini, it is so good to hear from you as you come up for air.
Caregiving is one of the hardest things we’ve done and it really takes all of you to do it, your time, your energy, your mental wellbeing and all the love and patience you can give. But as hard as it is, it is such a gift to be able to help and support those in your life who truly need it.
Brian and I are in a similar caregiving boat and so we send all our love and positivity (for when the harder days show up).
Please take care of yourself through this journey as well. It is so easy to get swept up in your ‘task of life’ that your forget to live for yourself in the quiet moments. As two of the other commentators said as well, fill your cup and put your oxygen mask on first. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story with us and the beautiful artwork.
Sending you love and light ~ Nadia, Brian and Sequoia
Author
Hello beautiful, now part of a family of 3! (hello little Sequoia!) so lovely to hear from you, and I am so sorry that you too are in a similar position… it is difficult, and yet, as you too believe, it is an honour and the most meaningful service in life, to support another through their deep adversity. I miss your amazing and skilled assistance over the years you and Brian helped me, and feel close to you though we have never met! Wherever you are in the world now, I hope you are fulfilled and have had time to enjoy your new role as parents.
Hello Malini,
Your courage is hope, and in hope is courage. And light. And creative inspiration.
May your blessings shine bright in your heart and soul.
Know you are thought of as pens, paints and colours flow across canvas.
Best wishes,
Cathy
Author
Thank you Cathy, for your sweet words and kind thoughts. I am deeply grateful x
Dear Malini,
Thank you! What a gift you have given. Not only through your rich and beautiful artistic expression, but also from the words expressing your heart and your hearts cry.
Thank you for even considering others and sharing, uncovering, exposing human vulnerability and allowing others to receive comfort and solace as they navigate their way through deep, dark places too. Your ‘gift’ is being passed on to others I am connected in with who I hope too can gain much from you sharing your experiences, insight and hope, as I have. Thank you once again, Malini.
Author
Hello Linda, your words were very moving to me, and have helped me feel I did the right thing to share this post. It’s always a little tricky to bare oneself, but I felt that 2026 was so hard for SO many people, and if what I went through could help someone else feel less alone, it was worth taking the plunge. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, and for writing such an affirming message to me. Much love to you, and I hope that 2026 is a year of many lovely things for you.
I read your ‘where the light gets in ‘ just now and found “hope” and a sense of calmness , momentarily a sense that I will survive my new , normal after my beautiful Brian entered the spirit world.
I will do my best ‘ one day at a time ‘ while I remain in this physical world.
May the power of faith keep you strong most of the time.
Author
Hello Pauline, I know that it’s been hard to lose Brian, and also to care for him in those last years of dementia and difficulty. You have been through a lot, and the journey continues. One day at a time.
Sending you love and strength for this journey you are on.
Author
Thank you so much Sue, I appreciate your warm wishes. x
Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Your paintings helped me when I was caring for my mother (2022). They brought color where I could find none.
Sending love to you and your loved one in this sacred time.
Virlane
Author
Virlane dear, what a lovely thing to say. That is the BEST thing that art can hope to do.
I am so honoured that across the world, we continue to be connected by art, creativity and shared experiences.
And yes, helping to support another in this way is truly a sacred task, difficult and challenging and sacred.
Malini,
I don’t really know what to say after reading through this update, as I cannot fathom the depth of the challenge you are facing. I only know you through doing your classes and reading your writings, where your graciousness and kindness shines through. May you find the hope and strength to face what each day brings.
Author
Hello Kate, thank you so much for attending my classes, and for your kind words to me personally, they are so deeply appreciated, I am truly touched. One day, I will be teaching again, and hope to see you and others and share the gift of unlocking creativity from each of our hearts. It is truly such a balm.
Deepest love from afar..
Author
Thank you Bryn, right backatcha.
Malini ,my most courageous friend . Your words are so heartfelt. Thankyou for creatimg space to allow them to flow from you and for sharing them . So often your wisdom has touched and grounded me and this blog is no exception . Artist , mentor , friend and carer; I see your creativity, grace and resilience in all you do and who you are.
One day you’ll teach me art .
In the meantime, I hold this hope that offers possibility and agency with you .
Author
I would LOVE to “teach you art” as you put it, Kerry, though I don’t think that’s what will happen – I’d love to help you unleash the art ALREADY within you! That would be such a joy for us both 🙂 And Thank you for those generous words, our friendship has been a lifeline, and this ‘long distance relationship’ over so many years has been nourishing and supportive, I am so grateful.Til we meet again… xxx
Here’s to the unleashing ! What fun that will be
Your comment reminds me what my friend who was an art teacher once said to me …. I don’t teach art to kids, I teach kids through art. I wonder if he was intentionally unleashing art and creativity in kids too. Unleashing is such a powerful word! Thankyou.